Fools' Ebony, Part the Twoth                                    Frincheps                                                       naughty                                                                                            )	 L  {      .  y
  n    &      C  W    ]  !  @$  &  )  k+  L.  0  `3  {5      Fools' Ebony  Part the  Twoth         Dramatis Personae   Prologue The Adventurer, A Dark Elf Rascal Komon, A Priest of Akatosh Lheban, Another Priest of Akatosh Epilogue Stete, A Priest of Julianos Raic, Another Priest of Julianos Shub, A Mage Shub, A Different Mage of the Same Name Nephron, A Somewhat Sleazy Merchant 5 Armorers Ortho Crunn, Husband of Millie A Lusty Contessa Millie, Innkeep and Philosopher Gurnsey, Bovine Wench Assorted Wenches and Cads of the Taverns Soldiers Dwarves Giants       Part The Twoth - Bearing Mostly on Fools'                  Ebony and Temples   Same place, same Inn, A bottle or two later. Enter Prologue, the Adventurer, and Lheben   Prologue:   Little has occured so far in our             comedic drama. The Adventurer, our       Dark Elf rascal, has bought drinks       for two priests of Akatosh. All       have drunk considerably. One of       the priests has rushed off in       pursuit of his lamp girl. And,       unless I've forgotten something or       something happened when I was       paying attention to something else,       that's a complete synopsis of Part       the Oneth. Ah, here come two more       priests. Humble Prologue must       depart.   (Enter Raic and Stete)   Raic:       Evening Lheban! Evening stranger. My             fellow priest here is Stete, I am Raic.       We are honored to serve Julianos.   Adventurer: What is this, anyway - Priests night             out? And ... I thought that your       Temples - Akatosh, Julianos, the rest       ... I thought them all cut-throat       competitors. In theology and gold, if       you will forgive my bluntness. Yet you       all seem the best of friends ..?              Come to think of it, didn't I have       words with Stete earlier, you said       you were of the Temple of Stendarr?   Raic:       A common misconception, friend ...   Lheban:     ... but one that we ... encourage ...   Raic:       Really, we all work together closely,             move between the Temples as needs       dictate ...   Lheban:     ... exchange information ... Raic:       ... share funds ... Stete:      ... swap our sisters ...   (Lheben kicks Stete) (Enter Prologue)   Prologue:   Sorry to interrupt the merry slapstick,             but I neglected to mention earlier that       the Fools' Gold saga -- if that is the       word -- contains gratuitous reference       to priestly misdeeds and sexual excess.       I hope those of you in the audience of       peevish, prudish, sullen, frumpy, or       grumpy demeanors are not offended. Now       then, on with the entertainment.   (Exit Prologue)   Lheban:     ... and all that ...   Raic:       But it helps in our ... holy work, if             we are perceived as separate and, uh,       competitive...   Lheban:     Mind you, there are one or two, er ...             religious organizations ... well, sort       of ... that we do not have anything to       do with ...   Raic:       Nothing at all, nothing at all ...             animals, just animals ...   Adventurer: Such as ..?   Lheban:     Weeell -- the Dark Brotherhood for one             ... nasty bunch of thugs ... and then       there's the Afterdark Society ...             (aside to Raic)       This fellow, seems a decent sort of             chap ... seems to know something about             Mages and Fools' Ebony ...   Raic:       (aside to Lheban)             Really now ... how interesting...       (to all)             Hey fellow, have another bottle --       this will bless you throat. My, my, yes       indeed it will...   Adventurer: Thanks Raic, don't mind a bit ...   Lheban:     But let me continue -- I was explaining             about this Fools' Ebony to you ...   Raic:       Yes, Fools' Ebony ...   Lheban:     Well. Fools' Ebony now. Well, you know             about ordinary Ebony, how it's rare,       only some dwarven clans dig it and sell       it. And not too many, these days and       times ...    Stete:      How's that popular song go ..?             (singing)       Where have all the Old Dwarves gone,       Long time ago ...   (Lheben throws Innkeep at Stete) (Raic breaks chair on Innkeep and Stete) (Innkeep loses consciousness)   Lheban:     There's a pile of real ebony up in the             Wrothgarians somewhere north, I hear       tell. You know how that dullish black       ebony gets worked over by Mages, by       some skilled armorers, made into all       kinds of potent weapons, amulets,       belts, what have you. All fetch a huge       price, when you can find any. And how       the best was made long ago, by those       old dwarves ...   (Stete rises to his feet) (Lheban kicks Stete back down) (The Adventurer loosens his tunic)   Lheban:     Oh my! Oh, my apologies, friend, Sir!             I see you have -- what's that? An       ebony torc? Oh my, and an ebony katana!       Oh My! Oh My, My! So, of course, you       know all that, sir.   Adventurer: Oh, that's all right, you didn't know.             Here, have another bottle ...   Lheban:     Many thanks, kind Sir.  Well, then you             know how every adventurer, even snotty       kids, all the dungeon-delvers, are       always looking for ebony artifacts,       weapons, whatnot.             But what you may not know, some of the       more experienced delvers hunt for raw       ebony lodes, piles, dwarven leavings.             That stuff, the raw ebony, is far more       valuable.    Adventurer: The raw unshaped material that provides             work ... and power ... for so few?       Apparently just loaded with negative       magicka?   Raic:       Right, right!    Lheban:     Yes, right so! Quite so! Well, Fools'             Ebony now. Looks just about like the       real raw stuff. Runs in veins in the       deep rocks.  Feels the same, smells       almost the same.  But the big       difference: it's not real ebony. No       power at all. If you pick some up, it       gets you hands a bit dirty. Softer       too, by all accounts. But sort of       shiny too. But who can tell all that,       deep in some old mine, maybe a ghoul       breathing down your neck! So it's just       grab and run, I guess, down in those       nasty holes. So the fools, the kids,       the crazy delvers, are always hauling             up a bag, a sack, of Fools' Ebony.       And getting laughed at by the merchants,       dealers, mages, us ... hence the Fools'             part. Stuff just gets thrown into the       Bay ...   Adventurer: Yeah, that's sort of what I ... er             ... heard from some Mages. But I       heard something else, too ...   Lheban:     And just what was that, friend ... if             you want to tell us, of course ... Sir.   Adventurer: Oh, of course! I think that we can come             to ... er ... an arrangement?   Lheban and Raic (Together): Certainly, Oh Yes!   Adventurer: So, yeah, so these mages -- Shub and Shub,             they are always called Shub, aren't they?       -- anyway, these old guys were saying how       this Fools' Ebony can burn. Not magically,       but like an ordinary piece of wood. But       the flame lasts far longer, gives off       lots more heat, makes no smoke to speak       of, no noise ... very interesting ...       Mages were saying as how the alchemists       want it, to heat the retorts and flasks       ... How the Mages Guild wants it, to make       and sell ... er ... fake amulets and the       like ... rotten trick that! And especially       the Armorers, they want it bad, for their       forges, I guess. And the Alchemists, for       their alembics ...   Lheban:     Precisely my information! Now... gets cold             up here in the winter, doesn't it?  And       everyone is cutting down all those trees,             making siege engines, boats, all that evil       war machinery! All those rich royals and       merchants got to heat their great big piles       of homes. So their Contessas can run around       in next to nothing, instead of furs...   Stete:      ... just like my sister ...   (Lheben bites Stete's arm) (Stete shreiks and falls unconscious)   Adventurer: All those armorers got to keep their             hearths and furnaces running...   Lheban:     ... All the Mages got to keep their             familiars warm ...   Raic:       ... All those royals got to keep the             contessas running ...   Lheban:     ... All those peasants got to keep their             animals warm ...   Adventurer: And To Sheogorath with the wife and kids,             right? Ha! And, I guess, its sort of hard       for you Priests to give blessings and       cures, when your fingers are all cold and       stiff ..? Makes getting corks out a tad       hard, to say nothing of opening those       little twists of parchment ..?   Raic:       You speak truly, indeed!   Lheban:     A man of wisdom, indeed! Yes!   Adventurer: So, where do we find this Fools' Ebony             -- in quantity?   Lheban:     You put your finger (you have six, I note             -- oh, excuse me, Sir) on the crux of the       matter. I have heard rumors, just rumors,       mind you, that there are huge enormous       veins of this stuff, at one place on the       surface, far up in the Wrothgarians.              Bad, bad place to go. But, if you can get       there and back, cartloads of the stuff!   Adventurer: Thats just what I overheard from those             Mages -- far up there in the Wrothgarians       -- orcs, dragonlings, daedra, Sheogorath       only knows what ... Those Mages seemed to       know the spot, though.  Mages wanted       someone to ...   Raic:       You didn't ... talk ... to the Mages. I             mean, you haven't ...   Adventurer: Oh no. They didn't even know I was             there ...       (aside)             Not yet, anyway...   Lheban:     Good, good - can't trust those Mages,             you know ... old fossils would turn       their own mothers into sludge-toads, just       for a bit of gold! Gold-mad, power-mad,       Mad-mad, the whole rotten lot of them!       But then they don't have mothers!    Raic:       Excellent. Seems to me, friend -- or, can             we call you partner?               Yes? Excellent. Seems to me, partner,       that my brother priests and you should       do some digging and poking around -- see       if we can get to those veins, those       deposits, eh!   Adventurer: Yes indeed, partners! But it would cost             a fair pile of gold to get up there --       weapons, spells, women, clothing, carts       and horses, women, food, potions ...             Best go well-prepared, up there.   Lheban:     No problem, partner. Our Temples have ...             certain resources, such that if we were       guaranteed ... sole access, sole knowledge             of the location, then we could finance       someone ... someone with the requisite       skills, such as yourself? Just by             happenstance, I am Keeper of the Books ...       you see the opportunity?   Adventurer: Oh yes! Oh yes! Well -- lets split a             last bottle, and shake on an agreement?   Lheban:     Indeed, let us!  We first need information             -- who knows about the site up there,       where it is, how to reach it ...             Why don't we meet back here in, say, a       week, to the hour. And see what we can       learn, meanwhile?   Raic:       We need to find a merchant, too. Someone             who can handle it for us ... warehouses,       distribution ...   Lheban:     And keep a shut mouth!   Adventurer: I'll make some inquiries about merchants             ... got a contact or two ... Trouble is       -- well, you know how these things go --       few golds here, few there, before you know             it you've bribed half the town, or so it       seems. Now, as luck would have it, I don't       have much -- got swindled by a wretched       Mage, some town south of here, and lost       most of my belongings in a shipwreck ...   Lheban:     Ah Yes!  You need some ... seed money as             it were.   Raic:     (To Lheban)             Let me lift old Stete's purse, he made a       lot renting out his sister last week ...   Lheban:     Thank you, Raic.  Here, about 100 gold             -- enough ?   Adventurer: Oh yes, more than enough for a start,             Gentlemen. Good, good, good ... so we       have a deal?   Adventurer: Yes! It's agreed. One week!   (Exit Lheban, Raic dragging Stete) (Exit the Adventurer) (Enter Epilogue)   Epilogue:   Ah, things are happening now, I doubt it             not. Patrons, I request that you recall       that this is a work of fiction created       by one of the finest writers of the       asylum, Frincheps, Archprince of All       Sumurset. There is no such thing as       Fools' Ebony. Furthermore, Ebony is not       mined as the priests have described the       process. Grasp that please. If you can       still enjoy the play as a rude work of       fiction, stay with us for Part the       Threeth. If you can't, farewell. And       don't forget to tip the wenches.   And so endeth Part the Twoth                        ------------------------------- 