Fools' Ebony, Part the Oneth                                    Frincheps                                                       naughty                                                                                            )	 (  X    9	      O  y      c"  %  )  D-  "0      Fools' Ebony,  Part the  Oneth         Dramatis Personae   Prologue The Adventurer, A Dark Elf Rascal Komon, A Priest of Akatosh Lheban, Another Priest of Akatosh Epilogue Stete, A Priest of Julianos Raic, Another Priest of Julianos Shub, A Mage Shub, A Different Mage of the Same Name Nephron, A Somewhat Sleazy Merchant 5 Armorers Ortho Crunn, Husband of Millie A Lusty Contessa Millie, Innkeep and Philosopher Gurnsey, Bovine Wench Assorted Wenches and Cads of the Taverns Soldiers Dwarves Giants     Daggerfall and Environs in the Doldrums of the 3rd Era   Part The Oneth - Concerning Priests and Nackles       As related at length by two Priests of       Akatosh to the Adventurer, who at the        time was not having an adventure, and       had nothing better to do. In which some       (probably unwanted) light is shed upon       the Priesthood and its members, and upon       an old peasant myth of some significance,       especially common in High Rock. And in       which the mysterious Fools' Ebony       appears, that strange material that       could bring either drastic cultural change       for the many, or just great profit for a       few, or death for a bunch, or have no       result whatsoever.   Early in the month of Frostfall. The Dead Daedra Inn. Enter Prologue        Prologue: Our poor players will try and remember their lines and not trip over our meager set. I beg you, the audience, not to heckle, badger, or throw rotten foodstuffs. You will only make this short play last longer. The Guild of Playwrites, Actors, and Dramatists wish any of you who are sensitive or allergic to rambling dialogue, wooden acting, incomprehensible exposition, or unsatisfying endings that leave one confused and unhappy to exit the theatre immediately. Your gold will, alas, not be refunded. As a saving grace, this series of vignettes contains gratuitous references to all pleasures of the flesh. You may enjoy it. Ah, here comes our hero, the roguish Dark Elf called the Adventurer. It is time for Prologue to trip merrily away.        Exit Prologue Enter the Adventurer         Adventurer:  What an odd conversation I just heard between those two mages. It is best not to speak of such matters next to privy hedges.   Enter 2 Priests of Akatosh (Lheban, Komon)         Lheban: Mind if we join you, fellow? ... Good, need some company ourselves. I am named Lheban, my fellow priest here is Komon. We both serve Akatosh, all in our own ways, of course ...         Adventurer: Make yourselves at home, it's not my bench. But I thought that priests ... didn't go to ... er ... places like this, Inns. I mean ... unless on duty?         Lheban: Oh, we're not on duty. Got to regenerate our internal vital energies, so we can go on blessing and curing ...         Komon: We often come here, hike up our robes, kick up our heels, as it were. Fill up with some bottled energy ...   (Komon snickers)         Lheban: Looking for those in need of comfort and blessing, of course ...         Komon: Oh, yes, Oh yes ... like that young girl outside the other evening ...   (Lheban kicks Komon)         Komon: ... and anyway our High Priest told us to get lost...         Lheban: He means told us to get some air. We've been having visions, you see ...         Komon: Yes, sort of weird, really ... and we hadn't even been taking any of that ...   (Lheban kicks Komon)         Lheban: Both of us been having the same visions -- real odd.         Adventurer: Do tell, I'm not going anywhere in a hurry.         Lheban: Well, we've both been hearing sort of ... words ... for a start. Like 'Sir Nich' or 'Sain Nack' ...         Adventurer: You said 'Nick' or 'Nack'? Just a minute ... let me have a swig from your bottle, Brother ... Ah! That's better - high-class stuff you fellows drink! Yes, I recall - some story or old legend about an elf, name of Nuckle, I think -- from Morrowind?         Lheban: You know, maybe you're on to something there -- there is a old legend around these parts, comes from deep in High Rock I think ... hmmmm ... Nackles, that's it!         Adventurer: Nackles, eh! Seems that several Dark Elves use that name ... particularly the ... more peculiar ones...         Komon: Yes, I guess that the bad ones are into all that weapons magicka stuff ... very nasty fellows ...         Lheban:     (to Komon) Komon! This fellow's got pointy ears and red eyes ...         Komon: Pardon me, friend ... it's sort of dark, and I didn't ... uh ...          Adventurer: Oh, that's fine. These are strange times. You know, live and let live -- or die -- as the case may be.  Now ... suppose you tell me about this Nackles myth? Here, let me help you with that bottle ... Ah! Thanks.          Lheban: Er ... sure, if you want to put it that way ... Here, have another swig! Sure, we've got the time, and I recall it clearly now.                Komon: Yes, we've a couple hours 'til that little blonde shows up at her lamp ...   (Lheban kicks Komon)        Lheban:      (to Komon) Quiet! Remember, we had to tell the High Priest her address, so she won't be around for a while!      (to all) Very well, here's the story, best as I can recall it. This is a tale the peasants up in High Rock tell their kids to scare them into being good for a while, I guess. They tell it, let me see ... either on Tales and Tallows, or is it Witches' Festival? -- just before the kids are sent out to the barn or pigsty to sleep.          Komon: Nasty cruel peasants!  But then, I'd send them all out to the midden ...         Lheban: Really, Komon! Remember, those poor souls need our compassion and blessing, we are their salvation!         Komon: Now who's in Old High Mucky-Mucks' study?         Lheban: Er ... anyway. It goes a bit like this.  If the kids have been real good during the  year -- filched enough in the market, mucked out the stables every day, not gone playing with goblins, left the sheep alone, and so on. If they have been real good, they've nothing to worry about. But if they haven't been real good then there is this nasty, horrid Dark Elf spirit called Nackles. Doesn't look like your typical Dark Elf -- thinner, taller. Pasty white face, long as your arm. Walks like his knees and elbows bend the wrong way. Snickers like when you drag your fingernails across slate. Wears a tight black suit (not Khajiit, more like a formal suit with buttons) but too tight and small. He visits the bad girls and --         Komon: Why are you talking about Old High Mucky again, Lheban?   (Komon hiccoughs) (Lheban kicks Komon)         Lheban: You really must excuse Komon here: overwork, you know. Too many curings and conversions ... Anyway, Old Nasty Nackles is supposed to wander under our Tamriel, in dirty deep dark dwarven tunnels. Everywhere under the lands, if you can believe that! Rides in a rusty squeaky old mine cart, on old mine tracks ...         Adventurer: I saw some of those in Fang Lair once, down in Hammerfell a long long while ago ...         Komon:       (to Lheban) What the Sheogorath was he doing in Fang Lair!?             Lheban:       (to Komon) Hush! If he's who I think he is, you do not want to know!       (to all) Um, yes. Well, Nackles gets pulled all around these deep tunnels by goblins -- not your usual dirty yellow ones, but nasty black things. Anyway, they pull Nackles round and through these dark tunnels, and then, late at night, he stops below each and every bad child's hovel or house or castle -- makes no difference. Then he slides up the drainage pipes ...         Komon: Creeps up cracks ... crawls through holes ...         Lheban: Oozes up oubliettes ...         Komon: Climbs giggling up garderobes ...         Lheban: Right into the kid's place! Then, if the kid's only been sort of bad, Nackles will just mess things up in general, so the kid gets blamed. Make greasy dirty marks everywhere (more than usual, anyway), break some things, steal some things, so on and so forth. Maybe take the sugar sweets, leave some lumps of fools' ebony instead ...         Adventurer: Fools' Ebony - what's that?  Heard mention of that, oh, a few hours ago ... Some Mages ...         Lheban: You did now? Interesting ... Very ... Well, lets talk of that in a bit ... just let me finish this Nackles thing. Where was I -- Oh yes ... Now, if the little brat has been real bad --  then all the little brat's toys get taken. The copper dagger, the wooden sword, the little whip, and so on. All the usual favorite kids things.         Komon: Whips? I like those.   (Komon hiccoughs) (Lheban kicks Komon)         Lheban: Now if that little brat has been very, very bad then Nackles grabs the brat. Pops him or her in his dirty great sack. Hauls the sack off down the holes and cracks, down to his rusty old mine cart!  And away they go!         Komon: Hope he leaves some bad little girls behind.   (Lheban kicks Komon)         Lheban: Er ... so we can save them, of course, friend ... Well. Sometimes, so I've heard tell, the brat never comes back. No great loss, I guess, peasants just breed another.         Komon: Know 'bout that, I do, I do ...   (Lheban pinches Komon's nose)         Lheban: But, as the story goes round here anyway, often the brat is just put to work, digging out lumps of Fools' Ebony, shoveling dirt, bagging it. Extending the tunnels of the Nackles. After a while, Brat is pushed back up to where it came from. Seems that Brat might think it's spent a year down there, but only a day has passed up top ... Brat comes back real thin and dirty though, covered in black mess ... You know, come to think of it -- on the day past Witches' Festival, I've often seen some little brats, scrawny, real dirty black mess on them, looking terrified, too. Parents drag them into Temples to get blessed and cured, if they have the gold. By the Beard of Sheogorath, the wailing and noise! Enough to drive a priest to ... er ... well,  never mind ... that's our problem ...         Komon: Nah ... it's a problem with our suppliers, I tell you ...   (Lheben throws Komon through a screen)         Lheban: Anyway, that's the short of it, this Nackles legend up around here. I recall now, it's widespread all over Tamriel ...  and knowing the place, probably more than a grain of truth in the tale, much, much more ...         Adventurer: So, I guess some of the ... er, darker Dark Elves sort of identify with this Nackles. Take on the persona, so to say ...         Lheban: Yeah, that sort of sums it up, I guess ... though we don't see those types hauling off brats in sacks, now do we?         Komon: Nah, that's wot we does, girly brats anyway, isn't it not?   (Komon hiccoughs) (Lheben breaks a bottle over Komon's head) (Komon falls unconscious)         Adventurer: Thats a very interesting tale, gentlemen. Say, let me repay you with another bottle -- what's that you're drinking? Ah, thought so - Innkeep!  More holy wine for these holy men!         Lheban: A blessing on you for that kind gesture, friend.           Adventurer: I thank you, I sure could use one or three ... Anyway, this 'Fools' Ebony', I've heard mutters and murmurs about that of late -- mostly eavesdropping ... pardon me ... listening ... to Mages and the like. What's with this stuff?  Here, have another swig ... good!         Lheban: Well, we're not supposed to tell outsiders ... but then, you seem to know something already. And if you have been hearing Mage gossip ... Why, maybe we can do some business. Profit all round! Well ... for the Akatosh Chantry, of course, and your fee, good Sir.         Adventurer: More and more interesting -- tell on, I pray you.   (Komon staggers to feet) (Komon hiccoughs)         Komon: Time for me to go convert that little lamppost girl ... no, no, no - not last nights one, but the blonde ...   (Exit Komon) (Female squeals from offstage)         Lheban: Friend, you'll have to excuse Komon. He's a bit ... you know strange ... Got these ...         Adventurer: Oh, that's all right, we've all got our own ...   (Exeunt Lheben and the Adventurer) (Enter Epilogue)         Epilogue: Our apologies for the quality of this drama so far. If those of you still present will wait for a few minutes while our bard plays "Silence Implies Consent," we will change the set for the next act, Part the Twoth. Please don't forget to tip your wench. Do you believe there's such a thing as Fools' Ebony? Maybe we'll find out in Part the Twoth. Or maybe not.   (Flourish) (Exit Epilogue)   End of Part the Oneth, Being Mostly Concerned with The Legend of Nackles. 